Living For Today

In a recent episode of the television show, Scorpion, one of characters yells at another character because he is letting his obsessive fears paralyze him. “How can you live when you are so afraid of death!” she shouts. Ouch. It was like she was yelling at me.

I don’t know what started it. Perhaps this crossing over into another decade that is about to happen. Perhaps the series of stressful changes in my life over the past 6 months. Perhaps the layers of health concerns I am suddenly wrapped in probably brought on by the stressful situations.  And, the constant worldwide drumbeat of death, destruction, hate and tragedy doesn’t help. Whatever the causes, death has been a shadowy presence in my mind for months.

I worry for myself, I worry for my loved ones. Are you traveling? I’m worried. Are you going to the doctor for even the most minor thing? I’m worried.  Are you cuddled up in your house, watching TV? I’m worried.  And don’t even mention all those people who signed up for the chance on a one-way ticket to Mars.

Intellectually, I know what this is. I am caught in a spiral of Automatic Negative Thoughts, a ridiculous place for a Laughter Wellness Instructor to be. I am allowing these thoughts to drag me out of the moment and toss me back and forth between the past (when I was so young and carefree!) and the future (where I am dust). Right now, my emotional brain is beating the heck out of the intellect by screaming in panic and running in circles. If I see one more television commercial advertising “final expense insurance” I may just collapse into a dribbling heap. And becoming a dribbling heap is one of those things about which I worry.

Thankfully, I am connected to many groups whose work is to bring happiness, humor and laughter into the world. Erma Bombeck’s words about laughing at things you can’t change ring in my ears. Working to bring myself back to the moment with mindfulness can combat the previously mentioned spiral of death thoughts. This week, a particularly pertinent essay was shared on the Facebook page of The Association for Applied and Therapeutic Humor.  “Just For Today” has appeared in several forms, with several people credited with authorship. The basic message is this affirmation: “Just for today, I will try to live through this day only.”  How much more can we ask of ourselves? Yes, we must think of the future in terms of planning and saving; we need to write wills and medical directives — but we don’t have to live there!  What a simple and refreshing idea that will take some conscious effort to implement. So, if you see me, and there is a little gray cloud over my head or a look of worry on my face, remind me. Tell me to come back to today.

More about the essay “Just for today.”

The Land of Absolutes

One place I try not to visit in is the Land of Absolutes. You know the place, the land of “never,” “always,” and “everyone.” Never do this, always do that, everyone does this. Absolutes are the stuff of divisiveness, and a multitude of “isms”  (racism, ageism, etc.). Yet, as I stalk 60, and that number gets closer and closer, I realize that there may be some absolutes in my life, and they seem heavily weighted to the negative.

As we age, the word “never” starts hanging around, and it is usually married to the word “again.”  Things we will never do again. People we will never see again. Time we will never have again. Unlike Peter Pan’s home, this NeverLand is full of people growing older. There are also the “will nevers,” as in I will never be a millionaire. Or a movie star.  Of course, some of the “will nevers” are just silly flights of fancy, but others are deadly serious. Many of us will never have enough money for retirement. Each of us will realize that things that years ago we had on our “someday” list have silently slid over onto the “never” list; and the realization can be heartbreaking.

Maybe you “never” got to travel, “never” got that dream job, “never” resolved some hurtful issue with a friend or loved one. Thinking about the “nevers” can be a distressing pastime, a spiral that is hard to pull out of once you start to spin.

I have my never list. There are the grandiose items, like millionaire, that realistically was not the path my life was on, but hey, I could still win the lottery. And winning the lottery would help cross off quite a few of the other “nevers,” that have to do with lifestyle, providing for my family, and carrying me through old age.

Perhaps there are some “nevers” I can focus on.  Finding the truth in the saying that this day will never come again. But by living the land of today and embracing every moment, I can push the absolutes out of the way. And that’s never a bad thing.