Press 1 For Nothing — The New Zen of Customer Assistance

Once upon a time, I took a second job at a call center. Located in a chilly, dark warehouse in New Jersey, the call center consisted of cubicles, each with their own computer screen and phone.  Headphones, with removable ear covers for sanitary reasons hung on a rack and you grabbed a pair on your way in. From 7 -11 each evening I answered calls to several numbers that callers were responding to because of ads that they had seen somewhere.  My job was to read the script I was given, take their information (if they would give it!) and move on to the next caller. My calls were timed and could be monitored. No chitchat allowed, no off-script conversations, no wasting time. Mostly, I took contact information so that people could be sent “more information” about a certain product or service.

Our biggest “client” was a cruise line, and there was a limited amount of information we could give out. Basically, a travel agent located close to the caller was going to contact them by phone or mail to try and sell them a cruise based on information we got from them. People were calling us, so the job was relatively simple, low-key and uneventful. 

All that changed when a ship belonging to the cruise line had an onboard fire. Photos from helicopters showing the smoke and the passengers on deck were all over the news. Cell phones were rare at that time, so unlike cruise ship incidents that would happen later, most people could not speak to their loved ones to check on them. The cruise line wasn’t doing a good job with communicating with families either, because pretty soon the phones at the call center were lighting up with desperate people, frantic to get through to a live person on any number they could find. Unfortunately, the call center wasn’t even owned by the cruise line, wasn’t located in their building, and had no real connection to it. Crying people could not understand why this 800 number that was so prominently advertised could not help them, or transfer them to another department that could help them. We were so far out of the cruise line’s thoughts that they hadn’t even considered sending us information on what to do if we got calls about the emergency. 

Since that time, there have been many more cruise ship problems, and I hope that communications have improved and no clueless person in an offsite, contracted call center has to take a call from a weeping family member again. I don’t work there anymore, so I don’t know. Unfortunately, I do have my doubts – because customer service, crisis communications and general consumer responsiveness remains, in many industries, a murky, pothole-ridden road that often leads to a dead end. 

It is almost a mathematical certainty that the larger the corporation, the more distant “customer service” is from actually assisting customers. Calls are still going to offsite and offshore call centers where responsiveness ranging from nothing more than a person taking “someone will get back to you” messages, to impossible phone trees that never get you to a live person. And this doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of help lines and assistance lines for all the electronic mayhem we deal with such as cable television, computer repair, cell phone activation, etc.

While business and current events seem like they are rushing past us at the speed of light, other things have slowed to a crawl. Consumer phone messages and emails go unanswered, stacked up like the letters to Santa in the movie “Miracle on 34^th Street.”  It is happening with doctors’ offices, government services and financial institutions. Just ask anyone who has been the victim of identity theft how difficult it can be to actually interact with anyone who can actually do something for you, “now.” And yet, some of those very same institutions have no trouble find YOU if they want something from you. It reminds me of the newest commercials for online services that point out how different your “upload” and “download” speeds can be.

I wish I had an answer, a shortcut, a secret way for all of us stuck in customer service purgatory to get the help, the answers, the ATTENTION we need. Burt all we can do is sit on hold and wait. Your call is important to … only you.