Déjà vu All Over Again

Thomas Edison is quoted as saying that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the same results. It is a pretty good thing to remember in science and in life, but it doesn’t go far enough. At first read, one may be lead to believe that there is never any sense in doing something over and over again. That there is no difference in GETTING the same result and EXPECTING the same result. I think of this as I find myself entertaining thoughts of once again reinventing myself. Something I have done over and over again; something I’ve repeated despite not always getting the results I expected.
 

My first reinvention was probably when I left home at age 18. I reinvented myself from being the Hero Child of a dysfunctional family, and recreated myself as an Independent Person. The road I put myself on was rocky. I made what I have felt for years was a regrettable decision, not going to college. I struck out with virtually no family support system, no money, no job and nowhere to live. Eventually, most of those things fell in line. My second reinvention involved allowing myself to be absorbed by the interests, activities and friends of the person who would become my husband. I willingly buried my own interests and distanced myself from personal friends. It was a life that went along quite well for a while. When it ended there was another reinvention into Single Mom and the emotional roller coaster that entails. And that reinvention lasted through the teenage years of my children and stayed with me as they went off to college. 

Then came the reinvention of 2009. Being laid off from a career that I had been pursuing with intensity was like having my legs knocked out from under me.  I lost my self-identification, my passion and my self-confidence. It happened exactly at the same time as I was going through the proverbial Empty Nest Syndrome. Basically, I felt like no one needed me anymore. Never mind the financial upheaval from which I am still recovering.  Trying to reinvent myself back into a sane, solvent, and independent person took a long time. I haven’t recovered all the way, and I now accept that some of the changes to me are permanent. There is no going back to the person I was prior to 2009. 

Finding a soul mate since then has done much for me, and I hope as much for him. Now having the kind of partnering relationship that I never had before has not changed the bumps in the road, but has made me realize how much easier it is to face those bumps with another person in your corner. It helped me find the courage and determination to reinvent myself yet again in 2010, when laughter and humor became for me a focus of study, practice and professional development. Suddenly, that college degree I never finished became less important as I embraced learning for the sake of learning, not for a piece of paper. I have expanded my knowledge, my mind, my experiences and my outlook in the past 5 years. I have gone from worrying about if people need me, to knowing that they love me; and therein lies the real purpose of life.

So now, to paraphrase Yogi Berra, it is déjà vu all over again. Stalking age 60 gives me the “I have done this before” feeling. And I realize that doing the same thing over and over again can be a wonderful, life affirming experience. And that is because you never really do the exact same thing again — your life, like a river, is never the same, even if you step into at the same place again and again. The water, and the river, keep flowing.  And this time, as I get ready to dive back into that river of reinvention, I can’t wait to see what I become.